how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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