so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
