I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
