just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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