everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
