My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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