he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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