you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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