I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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