I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
