i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
