we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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