I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
