Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
