You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
