guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
