we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
