Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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