I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
