when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
