I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He? As in you personified your dick?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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