Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize