I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
