oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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