Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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