Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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