i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
