Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
