he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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