I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
