You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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