Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
