im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
