im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
