JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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