Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
