Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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