We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
