Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
