I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize