life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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