I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
