I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize