I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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