She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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