I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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