im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
