i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
