i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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