Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
