there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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