I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize