the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
