i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
