So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish I only lived at night.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize