My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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