Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
