I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
God I need to hump something, right now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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