Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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