Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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