everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
