T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
