Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
